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The Love You Save Could Be Your Own

There are parts of me I’ve always been fond of. My legs, although I seldom show them, are a particular favorite. I’m pretty happy with my smile and there used to be a dimple but it’s gone now I think.  But my pride and joy are my locs! I love my hair! It’s a security blanket, something to fidget with when I’m nervous, a veil to hide behind and the way it feels against my bare skin is well…it’s erotic. But as a general rule I haven’t been all that overjoyed with the rest of me. I’m not what anyone would call a small woman. I’m tall and I have a large frame. My feet are large and while I adore shoes the shoes I love don’t readily come in my size as if the shoe designers and manufacturers have decided that women with big feet have no right to fashionable sexy shoes. Hell, we need them worse than everybody else does to camouflage the ginormous feet.   The same thing for foundation garments. Just between you and me being well-endowed is a monumental pain in the wardrobe. Bras require a down payment and the cutest clothes are not made to hide the straps, braces, girders and other hardware with any degree of comfort. But as I have embraced a healthier lifestyle and focused more on fitness I have come to love what my body is capable of accomplishing even when it doesn’t quite conform to the standards of beauty in this country.

In fact I recently started an affair; a full blown, hot and heavy, “can’t keep my mind off my significant other” affair. The fact that my affair is with me may come as a surprise to many who know me personally. I am more likely to put the needs of almost anyone else before my own and taking care of me has never really been a priority in my life. But as I said recently I’ve developed this genuine passion for me. Through personal development I have learned to truly love me. To love me enough to know when situations or people are not good for me and cut my losses early in the game. To want to feed me the kinds of foods that nourish me; mind, body and spirit. To recognize when I have helped everyone I can and that I am depleted and need to rest and recharge.

Carrying on an affair with your self can be exhilarating, satisfying and enlightening. It can help you to see some things for what they are. My life has been like a checking account. I have given so much of my reserves to others that I find myself over drawn to the point where I simply have nothing else to give. But I have learned that I have to protect the object of my affection from herself. She, we, have the right to be unavailable sometimes and there’s no need to manufacture acceptable excuses for doing so.   

I don’t have to come up with a reason to be unavailable. My life is a series of reasons to be unavailable and I am a grown damn woman with excellent communication skills and I am considerate enough not to leave someone wondering as to my availability. So I have to tell others that I am not available because, I am in fact, unavailable. I just finished the last of my tests for this week. But I am starting T25, a new workout video this evening. I am restarting Tai Chen tomorrow morning. I have journaling and meditation. I have laundry to do. My hair to wash.  Dinner to cook. Clients to follow up with.  My twins to care for and entertain. A marketing plan and a business plan to work on. A boot camp to work on, a VIP program to work on. My daughter’s wedding and wedding shower to finalize the plans for and when all of that is done…I need to floss my teeth. So yeah my schedule is pretty damned full. 

Damn I love me when I’m protecting me. Loving me. Being good to me. And I am jealous of our time together. I insist that if we’re gonna share our time it’s with someone that loves us at least as much as we love us.

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